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« Last post by Oso on Today at 12:09:58 PM »
Dave Barry can find humor in anything!
I had a colonoscopy a few years ago and the worst part of it was trying to drink that 32 gallons of moviprep! His description of the flavor is spot on! I gagged when I drank it and after the first cup full I did not want anymore. My husband had to literally sit on me, pry my mouth open and force the vile concoction down my throat. My stomach was so full then, because it wasn't passing through as quick as I was being forced to drink it. I thought I was going to explode. And then I did explode. Just like Dave Barry said. I fastened my seatbelt and prepared for take off. It was one long flight.
« Last post by Nath on February 23, 2017, 04:24:25 PM »
« Last post by genie on February 22, 2017, 06:04:49 PM »
Oh, that's a brilliant joke! We laughed out loud!!! .
Glad you liked it.
« Last post by genie on February 22, 2017, 06:02:11 PM »
I've posted some of his articles before. I had tears in my eyes with this one.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?â How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. Youâre boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
« Last post by Nath on February 22, 2017, 03:46:38 PM »
Oh, that's a brilliant joke! We laughed out loud!!!
« Last post by Luce on February 21, 2017, 01:07:46 PM »
Ok... Online now, I have one Castle file - downloaded from a different source.
Try that one.
Sorry, Genie, no luck. Same message: no file.
Stop trying, buddy, I'll buy the DVD!
« Last post by Luce on February 21, 2017, 01:05:47 PM »
Glad to see you guys can still have fun! Keep it that way!
« Last post by genie on February 21, 2017, 11:06:57 AM »
I've never seen the new Whitehouse Press Secretary, but Melissa Macarthy does a great spoof on Sean Spicer. Be it known that SNL is very left leaning as is all of Hollywood and Performers in general. I thought this was so funny. Now, I want to go find this dude just to watch him. Oh, what year this is going to be.
« Last post by genie on February 21, 2017, 11:05:51 AM »
I've never seen the new Whitehouse Press Secretary, but Melissa Macarthy does a great spoof on Sean Spencer. Be it known that SNL is very left leaning as is all of Hollywood and Performers in general. I thought this was so funny. Now, I want to go find this dude just to watch him. Oh, what year this is going to be.
« Last post by genie on February 21, 2017, 11:00:03 AM »
Lunch with the Pope
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat,
picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were
speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
The Guardian (Film)
Guardian - Film
Re: Oh, how I love Dave Barry by Oso
[Today at 12:09:58 PM]
Re: Oh, how I love Dave Barry by Nath
[February 23, 2017, 04:24:25 PM]
Re: Lunch with the Pope by genie
[February 22, 2017, 06:04:49 PM]
Oh, how I love Dave Barry by genie
[February 22, 2017, 06:02:11 PM]
Re: Lunch with the Pope by Nath
[February 22, 2017, 03:46:38 PM]
Re: The Man in the High Castle by Luce
[February 21, 2017, 01:07:46 PM]
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